The Gottman Method for Couples Counseling: How to Enhance Friendship, Manage Conflict, and Create Shared Meaning Within Your Relationship
Intimate relationships are important. Not only can that connection with another person feel amazing, but relationships also hold up a mirror to who we are so that we can grow and evolve as people. But you may also know what it’s like when that relationship is filled with conflict, arguments, perhaps insults hurled at one another, and more. What happened to what we had, you may be thinking.
How to relationship is not something most people are directly taught. Instead, we watch our parents and pick up on their good and bad habits. The same goes for all the relationships we see around us as we grow into adulthood. Trauma experiences play a major role as well. “Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That’s why healthy relationships are difficult for people with a trauma history” (Ryan North, The MindsJournal).
There are many different counseling approaches to help couples work through their conflict and connect again. Perhaps the most evidence-based of all these approaches is the Gottman Method. You may have heard of the Gottmans. Doctors John and Julie Gottman, married for over 30 years, and researching the disasters and the masters of relationship for even longer, are the foremost experts on couples work in the country. They have poured many decades into their research to see why some couples seem to do well and where others get stuck. And from there, they have meticulously designed an intervention method to help couples become masters of their relationship. It really is about building skills, after all.
The Gottman Method uses what is called the Sound Relationship House Theory to conceptualize what makes relationships work as well as where they may struggle and need to be smoothed out.
At its core, the Gottman Method, and its Sound Relationship House Theory, is about 3 components: building/enhancing friendship (which in turn improves positive feelings the couple has towards one another), learning to manage conflict, and creating shared meaning within the relationship. Within this, there are specific interventions that are used to help couples improve in each of these areas.
Our first three sessions would focus on assessment. Before we can decide what goals to pursue with treatment, it’s vital we know which areas in the relationship are a strength and which are a challenge. The first session is a get-to-know-you session where I get to learn more about what brings you to counseling, how you met, and more about the two of you as a couple.
The second session is split up as individual sessions for each of you so that I can understand more about each of your history. Sometimes people feel more comfortable opening up in a one-on-one setting, but don’t worry, there is a no secrets policy, so this process is not about keeping anything from the other.
After session one, I will email you a link to your own couples assessment questionnaire that provides a treasure trove of information about each of you individually and your relationship. From the information gathered in the first two sessions and the results of the questionnaire, we can then formulate a plan for how to help you get unstuck and work on those three components mentioned above (friendship, conflict management, and creation of shared meaning) using specific interventions designed to target those very areas you are struggling with.
I’ve worked with couples at various stages of duress. If there is a will, there is a way. You don’t have to go through this alone. You fell in love once, and through the methods taught by the Gottmans, your relationship can be just as strong, if not stronger, as ever before. Feel free to reach out to find out more about how I can use the Gottman Method to help you and your partner find happiness and contentment with your relationship.
